Today a friend posted the quote "When something bad happens you have three choices: You can either let it define you, let it destroy you or you can let it strengthen you."--Unknown
It got me thinking (one of my favorite activities). And all three are true. So get rid of the "or" and replace it with "and".
This year has destroyed me - the old me. The me of innocence and naivete. The me that thought if I could do everything "right", I could control the Universe. The me that thought everything happens for a reason. It stripped away the "nice" girl, the people pleaser. It tore away my masks, my routines, my dances that let me hide from myself. I was and continue to be, so raw, so tired. I don't have the energy to don the old masks, to dance the old dance. So yes I've been destroyed. Maybe it's the ego got mortally wounded and all I can do now is be. So the me I had been was destroyed.
It's defined me, or maybe redefined me. Letting myself feel how I feel at any given moment. Being okay with sorrow, being okay with joy. With all my barriers stripped away, I've been able to feel love in a way I never did before. When I wore masks there was always doubt "Do you love ME or the act?". Today I know that the people who love me, love ME. The real me. And I've been able to love and accept myself in a way I've never been able to before. I haven't had a choice, really. It's either accept myself or go crazy.... My logical mind can't control my emotions any longer. The losses seem to have short circuited the wiring. And so I'm left with just being okay. It feels horrible, devastating sometimes, but it's okay. Through all this, my heart has grown. I have new knowledge, new experience, new knowing. I really had no idea of the how painful death is for those of us left here. Now I know. It's given me more compassion, more love, more clarity. I'm a new me - closer to the me I was created to be.
As for strengthening me.... Being able to keep walking through this without drinking, without crawling into bed and giving up on life, giving up on love - I am one bad ass warrior. Every time I hear the saying "That which does not kill you, makes you stronger" I think that by this point I can bench press a semi with 3 trailers.... It gives me the ability to face each new day. I've made it this far, I can keep putting one foot in front of the other, show up and walk through this. It's strengthened me enough to be able to let go of things I need to. To sit with the empty spaces and not try to fill them up. To create the life I want deep in my heart & soul. To know that sometimes doing the "right" think, the thing in alignment with myself & god, will cause pain to myself and others. We can choose to grow from the pain or try to avoid it, but I've realized pain in inevitable. I now have the ability to go deep inside & find my truth and the strength to face the consequences. Because all I have left after everything has been stripped away is my connection to the Universe that created me. All I can do is do my best to act in harmony with my purpose. It takes a lot of strength & courage to do that - and this year has given me the clarity & strength to leap into the unknown. Most of the time I have no map, it's all uncharted territory. Sometimes I sit on the floor and cry, it's so unfamiliar, so scary. I wish I could turn back, but I can't, I can only go forward. So I get up, or ask for a hand up and continue the new exploration. Because when you get down to it, life really is just the journey. Things will always change. We will always be required to change. Sometimes we find a comfortable spot & get to sit, rest, enjoy the view. We will never be able to stay there. The greatest sadness I have about my husband and my father's lives is that they each wanted to avoid pain. They tried to find a comfortable spot to stay in, they decorated their ruts, built fortresses to protect themselves. They died carrying the baggage of the past, but couldn't, wouldn't see it. They were so isolated from themselves, they were never able to fully connect with others. I feel such sadness that they were never able to fully live. So today I choose life, even when there's so much pain I don't know if I can bear it. Because there's also joy in embracing the pain, the changes, the not knowingness. I choose to stay open, to be me, to make mistakes, to venture into new territory. Because I know I can survive anything life has to throw at me.
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