So it’s funny - I seem to tap into a completely different part of my brain when I type versus when I write by hand. My handwritten journal is freeform, random thoughts, stream of consciousness. Mostly though, handwriting seems to let my feelings stream forth, unrestrained by logical thought. It works well for me letting my real feelings emerge from the subconscious, unfurl onto the paper and then have a chance to recognize, own and accept them. When I type, it’s a more contemplative, thoughtful writing. I think, I connect, I communicate with others.
Last night I was overtaken by grief over the loss of my old life. It was triggered by missing Athena. I have a new dog now & she is a sweetheart. But she’s not Athena. There will never be another Athena. Athena was the dog I had dreamt of all of my life. And after 2 years together, she was able to read my signals with a precision that constantly astonished me. Nala, the new girl, is still adjusting to me and I to her. We’ve been together 2 1/2 weeks now. She’s 9 months old and needs lots of training still. And sometimes she brings up how much I miss Athena.
From there, I just went into how much I missed my old life. I guess what I really miss was the predicability of it, even when it sucked. My husband and I were heading for divorce just before he died. I wanted more from him than he was able to give. We were in process of trying to let go of our old relationship and see what was left. So it’s not like my life was terribly “stable”, but between my husband, my father & then my dog dying, I’m just don’t have any illusions of security anymore. Even when Jim & I were fighting, I knew him, I knew us, there was that familiarity that 16 years together brought, even when it sucked. So many connections to who I was, severed. Thank the Universe that I still have most of my friends (oh yeah, I lost a few friends in the midst of the losses), I still have my home, I still have my store. But on a deep, core relational level, I am adrift.
I’m in a new relationship. Didn’t plan it, didn’t look for it, it just happened. Kinda freaked me out, but after writing 10 pages, the Universe told me to get over my “plans” and go with it. So I’m trying. I’m trying to practice new behaviors and learn from the lessons of past relationships. I’ve spent the past few years moving out of codependency. Looking back, I was doing it not too gracefully and inflicted a lot of emotional damage on my husband. So I’m doing my best to do it different. And I have no fucking clue what I’m doing..... I’m in a new land with a new man and I’m trying to find my way. And I don’t have a map!!!!
So I’m a stranger in a strange land. I’ve changed so much in the past four months and everything in my life has changed. I’m little by little emerging from the fog, gaining clarity, but sometimes it’s so damn bright that I can’t see and just stumble around.
And some days, I just miss the familiarity, even the familiarity that sucked. I guess that’s part of grief too.
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