I’ve discovered the most shameful feelings to have during mourning; guilt, remorse and regret. These days many people know that it is natural to feel angry at the person that died. But these same people stop me dead in my tracks when I start to talk about my regrets, my remorse, my guilt - over things I did and didn’t do. I know they’re wanting to protect me, but I feel like I can’t talk about it. It’s anger at myself - missed opportunities, missed warning signs. Wondering what I could have done different. And intellectually I know I did the best I could, I’m only human, I’m not in control, blah, blah, blah, but at the same time I replay the past several years.
It’s a long story, but the short version is that the underlying cause of my husband’s death seems to have been diabetes, which weakens the immune system. Over the past several years he had become more irritable and our marriage was about to end because we just couldn’t seem to move forward and just kept hurting each other emotionally. I loved him & he loved me, but we were stuck. As I learn more, I realize that he was being beat up internally by the diabetes. It never occurred to me that the problems could have a physical cause. So I’m angry at everyone - him, the doctors, myself, that it progressed to the stage where he got sick and his body gave up.
I know I can’t change the past, but I just keep replaying it. All of the places where maybe a different choice could have been made - where he’d still be alive today. And I guess that just like all the other “stages” of grief, I just need to ride these feelings too. I’ll find the people that will let me talk it out, that won’t try to stop me from feeling the way I do, and eventually I’ll be able to release them.
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