He's Dead - Reality Sucks

I’ve been think about a blog for awhile, just to have somewhere to post random thoughts too deep for Facebook.  But now I feel compelled.  My husband died 12 days ago after a brief & sudden illness.  The past month has been the roller coaster from hell.  Today I started to emerge from the shock and reality struck me hard this morning.  Since he died, I’ve kept feeling like this was some horrible dream that I would wake up from.  Then I’d realize it was real and be wracked by grief and pain.  This morning I dreamed he was still alive.  When I woke up it hit me hard,  the dream was him being alive and reality is that he is dead.  Reality sucks.  I’m just beginning to fathom the inner devastation of his death.  I know this will be a long process.  I know others have survived.  I’m compulsively reading everything I can about loss, grief, mourning.  All the knowledge does not mitigate the pain.  The Blood Eagle has been performed on my psyche, my heart. (“The Blood Eagle was a method of torture and execution that is sometimes mentioned in Nordic saga legends. It was performed by cutting the ribs of the victim by the spine, breaking the ribs so they resembled blood-stained wings, and pulling the lungs out through the wounds in the victim's back. Salt was sprinkled in the wounds.” Wkipedia - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood_eagle)  Gruesome I know, but it’s how I feel. So I guess this will be my grief journal.