Healing

The other day I received a holiday card.  A thoughtful, beautiful card.  And it still makes me cry.  My friend wrote "How you've endured this year with your spirit intact is amazing".  It reaches deep into my heart & soul that others see me this way.  It's been six months of doing whatever I could to just survive the pain.  To not drink, to continue to get out of bed, to do whatever was necessary to remain in this world; physically, emotionally, spiritually.  I didn't try to be "strong", I didn't try to be "tough", I didn't try to keep it together, I didn't try to hide from the pain or hide the pain.  I just did whatever I could to keep moving through the loss, through the fear, through the pain.  I grasped onto every hand that was generously extended, the lifelines that allowed me to go into the depths and find my way back out.  I allowed myself to accept every drop of loving assistance that was offered.  And I talked.  And wrote.  And talked.  To anyone that would listen.  I let the grief keep moving through me; talking to process, talking to release.  I didn't care how I looked or what other people thought.  I was stripped to the core and just did whatever I had to do to survive.

Sometimes I worry about being selfish, about all of the taking I've had to do.  Luckily a friend said to me early on "You've given so much to so many for so long.  Please let us give to you".  I didn't have the energy to fight the love.  And I've discovered that I don't have a clue what is selfish and what is not.      At some level I've long known that giving makes me feel good and that by receiving, I allow others to have that same good feeling.   Through this process called grief,  I've had to take everything given.  But what's boggled my logical mind is how many people have thanked me for my writing, for my talking.  It's baffling how allowing myself to open up, share my pain, my grief has so many people thanking me.  I don't understand how by doing what feels selfish it is also a gift to others.  And I don't have to understand.  I just have to trust.  Trust that being me is all I need to do.

I'm still moving through the grief.  Every day it's at another level, another place.  So many things make me weep.  But the deep, gut wrenching, my heart & soul are being torn out of me, sobbing on the floor has subsided.  So I let the tears stream when they need to, knowing that I'm letting the pain clear.  And sometimes the tears are of joy & gratitude from someplace deeper inside myself than I've been before.

So I sit here this morning with a full heart.  I've learned I can not only survive, but triumph over whatever life throws at me.  That the heartbreaking pain has both helped me find my inner strength and opened my heart more fully.  Although I'm still saddened by the events that have brought me to this place, I'm grateful to be right here, right now.