A couple of weeks after my husband died, an acquaintance emailed me condolences and then said "I hope everyday gets better. I know first hand that it actually does. " I'm glad that was her experience, but it is most definitely NOT MINE. At that stage, the numbness & shock were wearing off and I felt worse, much worse. It's all a rollercoaster. Some days I'm functional, sometimes I'm actually productive, but some days I'm plunged into grief and sorrow so strong I can barely walk. Today is one of those days. I managed to get up, do my morning writing, take the car in for repair and go to work. All this while crying. In grief I've developed a new cry - the steady moan cry. Previously I've had the silent, streaming tears and the deep hiccupy sobs. This one is new. And it just keeps going. I want to stuff it down, stuff it back in, but it insists on coming out.
I finally stopped crying enough to open my store & be personable with customers and then someone, a man, tried to tell me something I "should" do about my signage. I crumbled. After he left, I locked the door and fell to the floor and just wailed. I often wish we were back in the Victorian Age with their Mourning Etiquette. Mourning clothes as a display of inner feelings. Plus it alerted those around to your mental and emotional state. And while I used to think that a year or two of required mourning for the widow was excessive, today I'd love to have the luxury of that time and the patience of those around for the grieving/mourning process. I'm raw. I'm fragile. I'm also strong, strong enough to make it through. Sometimes I'm so exhausted, I don't want to go on. What keeps me going is not wanting to inflict the pain I'm in on the ones I love. I don't want anyone who loves me to suffer the pain of losing me one minute before it's my time to go. So today I cry. I cry until I wonder how many tears I have in me. Everything hurts. Everything aches. I cry some more.
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